I’ve Been Wondering Where We’ve Gone

~300 words :: Harry Potter :: Sirius/Remus :: 12/2/05
Sirius tries to remember when things changed.


It started with a kiss.

No, if they hadn’t been drunk it wouldn’t have happened, so it must have started with the fire whiskey they nicked from Filch’s office. But he hadn’t kissed Peter or James, so maybe it had started before that. Maybe it was whenever he’d started watching Remus out of the corner of his eye when he thought Remus wasn’t looking. The problem with that line of thinking is that he can’t remember when that was, though surely there must have been a turning point somewhere, a moment when Remus went from being just another mate to being someone Sirius thought about kissing.

But he can’t pin down that moment; what he can pin down is the kiss. Or rather the drunkenness that led to it. To him grabbing Remus’s sleeve, holding him back after Peter and James left the bathroom. To Remus’s eyes widening, lips parting in what looked like invitation, but was probably just a question.

No, it was definitely the kiss, the way Remus reached up to clutch at Sirius’s pyjamas once the surprise faded. The way he slurred Sirius’s name when he reluctantly pulled away, flushed and breathing hard and saying, “We can’t. Not now…”

Maybe something had started before, but that night, that kiss, that’s what Sirius remembers. That’s what he thinks of when they lie together, sweaty and sticky, the silence oppressive. In his head he hears James ask him if Remus is trustworthy. He hears himself, after a long pause, say I don’t know, and he wonders how this happened, because he can’t pinpoint a moment when he started doubting Remus anymore than he can pinpoint when he started wanting him.