Before Our Innocence Was Lost

~400 words :: Harry Potter :: Sirius/Remus, Sirius/James :: 5/22/06
James isn’t jealous. Being jealous would mean he wants Sirius, which he doesn’t.

At first he thinks they’re all asleep. Certainly Peter is; James can hear him snoring as he makes his way to his own bed. It’s only as his eyes adjust that he sees the movement across the room, hears the ragged breathing and the telltale squeak of bedsprings. Next to Sirius’s bed is Remus’s, still as neatly-made as James’s own.

James wants to sneak back out like he sneaked in. He thinks he’ll take off the cloak and be deliberately clumsy, pretend he never saw anything. His feet, though, have a mind of their own. It’s the only explanation for why he’s not only not out the door, but standing at the edge of Sirius’s bed, right in front of the open curtains, close enough that he can see clearly now, even in the dark.

What he sees is writhing limbs, flashes of skin as pyjamas are pushed out of the way. Not all that different from what he’s just done with Lily.

“Moony,” Sirius breathes, and James’s gut twists. He has to clench his fists to stop from reaching out and yanking Remus off him.

Fucking werewolf.

As soon as he thinks it, he feels sick. Remus is a mate. Remus is-

Not good enough for him.

Remus wriggles down, takes Sirius’s dick in his mouth, and James thinks, That could be me.

It’s not jealousy. How can it be jealousy if he doesn’t want Sirius himself? He could have Sirius if he wanted him, all he’d have to do is snap his fingers. It would be easy.

He just doesn’t want to, is all. He’s not a bloody poof; he has Lily. He loves Lily.

It’s Lily he’ll think of when he finally does sneak back out the door, when he leans against the wall with his eyes squeezed shut as he wanks frantically, but it’s tonight he’ll remember years down the road when Sirius comes to him with his worries. He’ll grip Sirius’s shoulder and look concerned. He’ll blink away the image of Sirius’s face as he came and he’ll hate himself for saying, “I’m not sure we can trust him,” even as he struggles not to smirk in triumph.